50 Quips, Comments, Observations, Sarcasms, and Random Thoughts.

Whilst In Cars:

I hate zombie families.  I feel weird
cooking their food at my BBQ parties.

• Sometimes I feel like I am the one holding the balance of all traffic orderliness on the road in check.  Your welcome.  
• The lights are always green on the route you should’ve taken.
• Holding a cell phone like a Star Trek communicator and not against your ear, confuses everyone else on the road.  We have no idea what you’re doing. 
•  Thank you for making the driving experience personal again by posting your entire family in stick figures on the back window: One suggestion?  Post your facebook account as well, so I can friend request you when I get home. 

While at work:

 User A1*Mark@Awesome46#, your retinal scan is
confirmed, you are now able to access the Kohl's intranet. 

• Surprisingly, people work harder and more efficiently when they actually respect the boss. 
• Newsflash: Nobody wants to hack your private network server (cause it’s so boring) so making us have 16 character passwords with five symbols/ capitols and then making us change it all every 3 months is asinine. 
• When a new CEO, or figurehead takes over, I really want to hear/read their philosophies on success.  Especially as the budget cuts, severances, and lost benefits are taking place. 
• A good product sells itself, unless it’s stacked behind thirty other products that the seller is trying to liquidate. 
• Employers who make gut reactions are often gut checked. 
• Technology is great, but it never will replace know-how. 

When with friends:

• The world is tough, friends shouldn’t be.  Tell your friends every so often why you enjoy their company. 
• Learn how to listen.  Always having the best stories and keeping the focus on yourself does not make you friendly, it makes you an egotist.  Other people have lives as well, with interesting soundbytes and anecdotes.  Learn to hear these even if they don’t tell them as entertainingly as you do. 
• A friend in need, is a friend indeed, but a friend always in need is co-dependent.  Learn to limit your time around dramatic people. 
• A softball team, bowling league, book club, cooking party, etc. with friends is infinitely more enjoyable than one with experts/professionals.
• When you do a business deal with friends, recognize that you are doing a favor for them and not expecting the greatest product/service in return.  If your doing it for a “good deal” then your doing it for the wrong reasons. 
• If your going to offer criticism to a friend, you’d better counter with a thousand positive words, or be ready for a thousand possible tears.   

On relationships:

"Well, if you're looking for a deal, I do have a demo
model that was only driven once; kind of a scratch
 and dent type thing." 

• Don’t rail on your significant other, ever, unless you want everyone around you to hate him/her.  Believe it or not, most people around you have pretty good discernment as to whether he/she is a good fit for you or not without you worsening it with your dirty laundry. 
• The English language doesn’t have enough words to describe love.  Love can change a hundred times during the course of one date, and a million times over the course of a marriage.  Love can only be maintained (in whatever sense) by 100% commitment. 
• There’s a belief that you have to test the product before you commit to the buy.  Be aware that when you buy open box merchandise that the warranty is often voided, parts could be missing, and sometimes only comes with a French owners manual.  (Although the French are supposedly great lovers).
• Regardless of faith or even without faith, Corinthians 13 is quite possibly the Gold Standard of relationship advice.
• Women like flowers, chocolates and cards, but they really like it you do their dirty work: the dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, changing her oil (<that sounded double dirty). 
• Practical gifts like blenders, wiper blades, microwaves, etc. have their place…it’s called Thursday, ‘cause you love them.  Never on birthdays or on Christmas. 

On People in general:

Thank goodness for World of Warcraft, cause otherwise
I'd have no idea why I married this guy.  

• People who have skated through life without a hick-up usually have nothing of importance to say.  
• People with scar tissue, war wounds, and hospital stays (I’m speaking metaphorically) are usually the most genuine people around. 
• People with open wounds, festering scars, and bloody bandages because they won’t take the time to properly heal or listen to advice from trained professionals are sick human beings.  Love them from a distance. 
• Life is more complex and special than a movie, video game, comic book, or music band’s lyrics.  Stop worshiping these like they are your identity. You are yourself, not the product of someone else’s imagination. 
• Old people are divided into two groups:  The overly nice, and the horribly grumpy.  It isn’t hard to see who made the right life choices. 
• Arguing with people who are wearing  t-shirts of their favorite band, as to whether their band is any good, is a great source of entertainment. 
• Talking to somebody with a hoodie over his or her head is never entertaining.
• 60% of the time, the person wearing the hat of a specific sports team doesn’t know a single player on said team, or even roughly know that team's current record.   This is one of the few times a verbal thrashing is mandatory.  

On teenagers and students:

But Mr. Plumb, this look always
gets Kobe Bryant calls, why
doesn't it work for me?  

• “I failed his/her class because I didn’t like him/her as a teacher” is the logical equivalent of “I joined the darkside because I hated Darth Vader” or “I didn’t change the oil because I didn’t like the way the engine was running (before it seized up).”
• If the teacher knows your name on the first day of school, there’s a good chance you’re going to see it on print on disciplinary forms for the rest of the year. 
• The scowl is perhaps the most counterproductive of all facial expressions. Why so many teenagers use it to show dissatisfaction and expect any kind of preferential treatment is borderline insanity.    
• There has never been an unsuccessful human being who after missing a class in school asked, “Is there any homework I missed or can make up for my absence yesterday?” 
• Your friends have the greatest influence over whether you succeed or fail in school.  You might want to rethink that friend with super thick, dark, eyeliner (guy or girl).   
• I would’ve never known you were a fan of marijuana without that huge leaf on your shirt and the matching earrings, thanks for advertising to the rest of the student body and your teachers what we already knew about you. 

On kids and children:

• Raising a child will kick your butt.  Do not take the task lightly.  If done correctly, it will give you unequalled joy, if done poorly, will bring a lifetime of frustration.    
• No matter how badly your 5-year-old says she wants to watch Aliens on TBS, it is never a good idea. 
• Your child dancing, singing, or performing is perhaps the greatest entertainment known to man (but usually only to you…). 
• Wrestling with a child is the great stress reliever.  My daughter does this thing called the “Thunder Punch” where she raises her fists as high over her head as possible and crashes it down on my back.  It feels like the greatest shiatsu massage I’ve ever had. 
• “Daddy, I made this for you,” is the greatest compliment I’ve ever received. 

On overly moralistic unemployed writers making lists:

I was Posh Spice!  POSH SPICE! I'm
married to David Beckham!  Do they
not know who I am?  I'm Posh Spice! 

• What makes you an expert?  What makes any of us experts, trial and error, and doing it again, and finding an interesting way of teaching it to others. 
• What makes people successful in their career?  I think it takes talent, drive, and good marketing.  If you don’t have talent, focus on good marketing.  How else does one explain Keanu Reeves, the writing crew of 2 Broke Girls, or Victoria Beckham? 
• Career Success on a tombstone is pretty idiotic:  Here lies Chris; he was a better than average salesman, and once worked three years without taking a sick day. 
• Why does your blog have no apparent theme?  Because I get bored of writing about the same old stuff everyday.  Do you really want me to be a Daddy-blogger?  I didn’t think so. 
• Do you think being a jack-of-all-trades rather than specializing in something has hurt your chances of success?  Absolutely.  But I rarely pay a repairperson, and am not quite good enough at anything to do things as favors for others. 
• Do you think interviewing yourself is a sign of mental illness?  Perhaps, but this is my blog, I can do whatever the heck I feel like.  Everything else in life is so micromanaged by other people, it’s nice to have my own space to say anything I want. 
• Did you realize that this blog is sounding a lot like that red plaid book phenomenon of the 1990s called, Life’s Little Instruction Book?  Yeah, I noticed that after I got to the third topic.  Sorry. 
• Why stop at 50 bullet points?  This is America, and 50 is enough.   Hence the reason we don’t have Puerto Rico as a state.  It’s hard to fit an extra star on the flag. 
• Would I like to hear your quips, questions, factoids, weird points and sarcasms?  Absolutely, write them below in the comments section.