12 Immature Things to Never Say or Do in a Relationship (If You Want it to Work).

The third entry into this week's theme or project, the No Ma'am Blog Symposium, was supposed to be another guest host by my buddy over at The Moral of the Story Is; yet when he sent it over my way I realized I couldn't publish it (even though it is introspective and funny). I'm not saying I'm a prude, or can't deal with sexual themes, but as a teacher, there are certain subjects that could get me in trouble, and that entry would've put me in a heap of it. Some of my students have (unfortunately) found my site, and it's just not a road I'm willing to pave to unemployment. So he published on his site, as I am here today.  

Today's assignment is: "The Girl Who Affected You Most."

Wow. Uh. Yeah. The thing is...

Oh, that's cute.  What a good idea.  

How to condense that into one small blog?  I can't. Lets just say that the girl who is responsible for most of my "issues," is the main subject of my still unpublished 314 page novel.  The novel includes the metaphorical malpractice of her acupuncture with a billion needles thrust into my vital organs, all laced with some neurotoxin that poisoned my judgment for two years. She voodoo-dolled me into being a person I had no intention of becoming. Her venom ate at my core. That relationship was of such epic proportions, that it would make Beowulf's slaying of Grendel's mother, seem ordinary.

Plus, as you can tell from the previous paragraph, I'm totally over that relationship. 

So who to write about?  My wife? Well she has "effected" who I've become...but I've written a lot about my wife, here, here and here, and I don't want to make you nauseous with our successes (plus, she's writing tomorrow's rebuttal blog). And I thought rather than subjecting you to 314 pages about my old toxic relationship, I would just give a highlight of lessons learned from my three longest relationships, which I will call 3Ls, and my four middle-schoolish girlfriends, which I will call MSGs.

*When you are in a serious relationship, you should consider getting the girl an actual Christmas gift (and not say that you are "making a dragonfly windchime out of copper pipes and wires" that you never actually started or finished). 3Ls

*Don't let her propose to you. 3Ls

*When she does propose to you, and gives you a ring, and you begrudgingly say yes, you should get her a similar (or any) ring within the first year (or ever).  3Ls

*When the other boys on your 6th grade baseball team start calling her, "Christy Crusty Underwear," stick up for her, rather than joining them.  MSG

At least I don't smoke.  

*When she buys you a shirt for your birthday, try it on. If it doesn't fit, let her know, rather than saying, "I love it," and then never wear it ever again.  #fatkidproblems MSG

*When she tells you she's not sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore, don't start talking about your dreams of being married and having kids together in the future.  3Ls

*When she breaks up with you before church, after one glorious week where you never talked once, it's not worth crying over.  MSG

Thanks Amber, your honesty was the
gift that keeps on giving.  

*When she breaks up with you with a post-eNote on your locker, it's not worth crying over. MSG

*When her friends say she wants to go behind the football shed during the HS football game, and make-out, don't run the other way.  MSG

*When being together for some time, don't say, "I always thought prom was a dumb event; plus it's expensive, can we go to a movie instead?" 3Ls

*When the really hot girl with a bad reputation asks you to a dance; and her friend implies that you are going to get lucky, don't start crying.  RTNH (Relationship that never happened).

*Don't ever say any of the following: "Your music sucks," "you like dumb movies," "your haircut is fine, but I liked it more before," "sure, she's attractive," "my last girlfriend..." "romance is overrated," "I don't like to spend more than $10 on dinner," "did you put makeup on today?" "I think we have too many classes together," "I want to hang out with my friends instead,"  "is that a training bra?" "you're acting irrational," "you're acting crazy,"  "you're acting psychotic," "that wasn't a smart thing to say," "IDK, she just kissed differently," "I love you, but..." 3Ls & MSG 

"I'm not okay with that...you're acting psychotic...hey, put that knife down!"

All in all, my wife is lucky she met me when she did. All these previous relationships taught me what not to do. There is no manual for how to succeed in relationships; yet we all have stories of how others affected us, and made us the (hopefully) well-rounded people we are today. I'm sure these girls I made mistakes with could easily fill my blog with stories of my ineptitude, and I could easily spend ten blogs complaining of their flaws...but that's not very fun, now, is it.