Forget Straight A's, I Want My Kids to Have Sensibility

My little daughter, Lily, had her heart broken this Friday. No, not by a boy; she's eight. She still thinks boys are disgusting (an observation I dutifully reinforce).  Sadly, her best friend, also named Lily, moved three hours away. I didn't go to the going away party (my wife is much better at those type gatherings) so I didn't do much of the 'on the battlefield' grief consoling; but when my Lily got home, she was such a blubbering mess that she crawled into my arms and wept uncontrollably for what seemed like eternity.

Tonya Harding never transitioned
out of 7th grade.  

As a human being, my instincts were to comfort her and tell her it will be all better. People have this thing about being uncomfortable around crying and wanting to make it stop. I couldn't handle teaching 7th graders because they were always crying. Crying when somebody called them fat, crying when their pencil wasn't sharp enough, crying when "today's date" was wrong on the top of my whiteboard. 7th graders grip on reality is pretty sad, and many of the "criers" of my past 7th grade class are now the outcast and "at-risk" kids in my 10th grade classes (yes, I do teach many of the same kids 3 years later). Why has being emotional become synonymous with craziness?

I wanted my daughter to stop crying. But crying---grief---is normal. Grief is good. I'm okay happy my daughter cares for someone so much that it breaks her heart when they've gone away. I'm glad she loves so deeply that feelings are sometimes uncontrollable. Some day, when the situation is bigger or smaller, she will have experience with which to gauge her emotions. As parents we are always teaching our children what the appropriate reaction to disappointment and/or victory is. Sometimes my daughter can be overly dramatic, but this was not a performance, this was genuine heartache. I'm raising an empathetic human being. And the empathetic human being is an endangered species.

And that's just after reading the
back cover!  

I've experienced a Nicholas Sparks novel of heartache and disappointment in my thirty-four years.  I've always tried to make myself a well-rounded person, and I've mostly succeeded only in the physical aspect of that goal; but whatever character strengths I have, it's because life was never cherry-coated for me. I switched schools five times and moved homes even more. I've loved and lost all over the West Coast, and all before the interconnectivity of social media. Most of those friends are just distant memories.

There were tears shed on a few occasions. My parents have repeated how guilty they feel about all the moves, but they are guilty of nothing. They did what was best for the family. And you know what, I became resilient. I made friends faster. I got funnier. My discernment for jerks, trouble-makers, and drama-queens, got better. I learned to stop being a cry-baby, and learned to use emotions when appropriate. I learned who I was apart from the crowd.

I hate enlightened dogs.  They're just
dyslexic animals with a God complex.  

Knowing yourself is such an important part of the journey. I fear for those who refused to cry growing up. I mourn for those that weren't allowed to cry. I fear for those so protected from heartache/pain that they have no criterion on which to judge emotions. I'm scared for those who only know victory and trophies, and never felt the pain of defeat. Many are so ill-prepared for their first breakup, that it becomes a very public (sometimes via social media) breakdown.

I'm afraid because we keep trying to do all this bullsh!t to make the world happy-go-lucky. We keep trying to PC our language so that nobody is ever offended. We tell every person that they are special so much that nobody seems that special anymore. We've made bullying the most offensive word in the educational system, and yet it seems that kids, if anything, are more mean spirited than ever before.  We  tell kids to keep their hands to themselves, and "no hitting--ever," and yet this generation is in LOVE with physical violence. We've built a holographic world that isn't based on the harsh realities of pain, disillusionment, and loss, and they've seen right through it.

The youth have rebelled against our pacified, vitamin-filled, helmet-wearing, peace-loving illusionary world. And empathy? Feeling and understanding the pain of someone other than yourself? That seems like the least important skill in the modern American world of individual testing and talent based acumen.  But you know what? A friend or family member that will listen and cry with you after a terrible ordeal? That's a beautiful trait to have. It may not lead to ivy league schools or fortune 500 jobs, but it will lead to something much more important: Real human interconnectivity.

My little girl has a heart. She has beautiful compassion for the hurting, and I couldn't be more proud. This nation could learn a lot from "the mouths of babes." (7th graders aren't considered babes anymore, are they?)

Matthew 5:1-12

The Message (MSG)   You’re Blessed (the Beatitudes) 

5 ^1-2 When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:

³ “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.
⁴ “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
⁵ “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
⁶ “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
⁷ “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
⁸ “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
⁹ “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
¹⁰ “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
^11-12 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

                                                         

A great video on the difference between empathy and sympathy