Forget Straight A's, I Want My Kids to Have Sensibility

My little daughter, Lily, had her heart broken this Friday. No, not by a boy; she's eight. She still thinks boys are disgusting (an observation I dutifully reinforce).  Sadly, her best friend, also named Lily, moved three hours away. I didn't go to the going away party (my wife is much better at those type gatherings) so I didn't do much of the 'on the battlefield' grief consoling; but when my Lily got home, she was such a blubbering mess that she crawled into my arms and wept uncontrollably for what seemed like eternity.

Tonya Harding never transitioned
out of 7th grade.  
As a human being, my instincts were to comfort her and tell her it will be all better. People have this thing about being uncomfortable around crying and wanting to make it stop. I couldn't handle teaching 7th graders because they were always crying. Crying when somebody called them fat, crying when their pencil wasn't sharp enough, crying when "today's date" was wrong on the top of my whiteboard. 7th graders grip on reality is pretty sad, and many of the "criers" of my past 7th grade class are now the outcast and "at-risk" kids in my 10th grade classes (yes, I do teach many of the same kids 3 years later). Why has being emotional become synonymous with craziness?

I wanted my daughter to stop crying. But crying---grief---is normal. Grief is good. I'm okay happy my daughter cares for someone so much that it breaks her heart when they've gone away. I'm glad she loves so deeply that feelings are sometimes uncontrollable. Some day, when the situation is bigger or smaller, she will have experience with which to gauge her emotions. As parents we are always teaching our children what the appropriate reaction to disappointment and/or victory is. Sometimes my daughter can be overly dramatic, but this was not a performance, this was genuine heartache. I'm raising an empathetic human being. And the empathetic human being is an endangered species.

And that's just after reading the
back cover!  
I've experienced a Nicholas Sparks novel of heartache and disappointment in my thirty-four years.  I've always tried to make myself a well-rounded person, and I've mostly succeeded only in the physical aspect of that goal; but whatever character strengths I have, it's because life was never cherry-coated for me. I switched schools five times and moved homes even more. I've loved and lost all over the West Coast, and all before the interconnectivity of social media. Most of those friends are just distant memories.

There were tears shed on a few occasions. My parents have repeated how guilty they feel about all the moves, but they are guilty of nothing. They did what was best for the family. And you know what, I became resilient. I made friends faster. I got funnier. My discernment for jerks, trouble-makers, and drama-queens, got better. I learned to stop being a cry-baby, and learned to use emotions when appropriate. I learned who I was apart from the crowd.

I hate enlightened dogs.  They're just
dyslexic animals with a God complex.  
Knowing yourself is such an important part of the journey. I fear for those who refused to cry growing up. I mourn for those that weren't allowed to cry. I fear for those so protected from heartache/pain that they have no criterion on which to judge emotions. I'm scared for those who only know victory and trophies, and never felt the pain of defeat. Many are so ill-prepared for their first breakup, that it becomes a very public (sometimes via social media) breakdown.

I'm afraid because we keep trying to do all this bullsh!t to make the world happy-go-lucky. We keep trying to PC our language so that nobody is ever offended. We tell every person that they are special so much that nobody seems that special anymore. We've made bullying the most offensive word in the educational system, and yet it seems that kids, if anything, are more mean spirited than ever before.  We  tell kids to keep their hands to themselves, and "no hitting--ever," and yet this generation is in LOVE with physical violence. We've built a holographic world that isn't based on the harsh realities of pain, disillusionment, and loss, and they've seen right through it.

The youth have rebelled against our pacified, vitamin-filled, helmet-wearing, peace-loving illusionary world. And empathy? Feeling and understanding the pain of someone other than yourself? That seems like the least important skill in the modern American world of individual testing and talent based acumen.  But you know what? A friend or family member that will listen and cry with you after a terrible ordeal? That's a beautiful trait to have. It may not lead to ivy league schools or fortune 500 jobs, but it will lead to something much more important: Real human interconnectivity.

My little girl has a heart. She has beautiful compassion for the hurting, and I couldn't be more proud. This nation could learn a lot from "the mouths of babes." (7th graders aren't considered babes anymore, are they?)

Matthew 5:1-12

The Message (MSG)   You’re Blessed (the Beatitudes) 
1-2 When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
11-12 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.


                                                         
A great video on the difference between empathy and sympathy 


16 comments:

  1. Great stuff today Chris! I usually try to "add" something to the conversation in the comments. I have nothing today. Home run sir. Home run.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wonderful post. Grief is good and deserved its proper time. You are a good dad. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. There is a season for every emotion, right? Now I'm singing the Byrds song.

      Delete
  3. Crying is so necessary sometimes, even though as a parent you don't like to see your kids cry

    ReplyDelete
  4. Chris, I love this. What a great dad you are. I can totally remember my friend moving away when I was a little girl. It was heartbreaking. Lily is lucky to have an understanding, protective dad - and such a cool one too! I felt like I was at Hogwarts when I arrived here with that moving picture! Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hogwarts! Awesome. I should change my URL to www.platform9-3/4.com. Then you'd know how you got here.

      Delete
  5. Love this! You are so right in that this generation is judged by test scores and kids are more mean spirited. They expect instant gratification for everything and often emotions are not considered. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great Dad that let her cry and comforted her. I know many Dad's that are uncomfortable with emotions and crying and would have diverted their daughter's attention or tried to end the crying immediately.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, eventually we did drive her over to Baskin Robbins and let her pick out an ice cream. A girl's always gotta have ice cream after a tough day, right? Heck, I have ice cream after good days (and the extra pounds to prove it).

      Delete
  6. I could really relate to this post, Chris. It has been 4 months since we moved away from our old home and friends. There are still occasions when my daughter seeks me out to cry a bit over missing here best friend in Bali. The tears may not last long, but she still needs to shed them once in a while. And I hold her and comfort her. We understand each other because I miss my friends as well.Together we grieve the loss...and together we look to the future with all its possibilities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry. It must be especially hard with how far away her friends are. I know Indonesia is a hotbed for technology, so do her friends have access to all the new types of communication? I'm not letting my daughter have a cell phone for some time, but I do let her Skype with her friends once in a blue moon.

      Delete
  7. There's a lot to you, lad, and what a gift that you chose to teach. The more I read from you, the more I enjoy. And in response to the end piece in your blog, I share Rumi who too knew the real act of surrender: "When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,we shall be a mighty kindness."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Christina. Ah, sweet, surrender. What an idea (it sounds so uncontrollable!).

      Delete
  8. This is probably my favorite of anything you've written. The way you describe the world we've created as a hologram is so apt and spot on. Just all around great writing.
    And I think empathy is the most important skill we cultivate as human beings. It's a skill I don't see often in younger generations, which makes me so sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Natalie. Empathy is a large part of what you write about as well. Being vulnerable and trusting other people is so hard, I understand why so many aren't empathetic. It's never shown to THEM!

      Delete