Top 10 Christmas Gifts Nobody Ever Gave You.

Every year, as the turkey gravy, cranberry sauce and eggnog slowly coagulate into future fat stores or painful gouty crystals in the big toe, I selfishly like to redirect my mind to all the gifts I didn't get for Christmas.

If this ad campaign was still going I
might just be a smoker.  Hot Mama!
People always say, "you're really difficult to get presents for." Which is code for, "I have no idea who you are." I'm kidding. It is hard to buy me gifts. I like good stuff and I don't have many vices. I'd probably just regift the bottle of Jack, carton of Virginia Slims 120s, or bath salts that my redneck friends would try to give me. I'm surprised more people don't just buy me huge tubs of KFC chicken, or gift cards to Hometown Buffet, knowing that I have a weakness for fried foods. Strange how nobody wants to be the friend who "caused his fatal heart attack."  

Now that I'm older, though, there isn't much that I want. We did a little stocking stuffer exchange at my parent's house (We had a no item over $5 rule, and it was oddly really fun), and my brother-in-law got me a clamshell pack of vintage baseball cards. Whoever thought this idea up is genius. Just throw an odd assortment of commons and semi-stars from hundreds of overproduced sets, and let old collectors relish in nostalgic worthlessness. I did get a 2012 card of Mitt Romney, which is odd, because I barely remember his Presidential campaign, let alone his illustrious sports career.  

The whole idea of revisiting the past on Christmas got me thinking...what other gifts did I want but never received?  Let's go back and see what could have been (at least to 1979, the year I was born), and maybe it will give some ideas to those people "who don't know me."  

My wife would not have hesitated to
say "yes" when I asked her to marry
me, if I had this accessory on my car.
10. Nissan Altima car spoiler.  The year was 2000 and I was living with six guys, four of whom loved to play "Fast and Furious" in our garage. They tore apart Japanese motors like they were Lego buildings, and rebuilt them in all manners of future failure with the guise of 300+ HP.  When they weren't towing their horrible inventions off the freeway, they were attaching metallic storage shed and/or roofing sheet metal onto their vehicle's tail ends as spoilers, in hopes of "reducing drag."  The only thing they reduced was the curb appeal of their respective vehicles. I, however, owned a 1994 Altima at the time, and hated its cop-like, overly rounded backside. My baby didn't have back. I always wanted the (keyword here) factory optional spoiler, which might have prevented me from doing that 360ยบ spin on the freeway exit ramp a year later.  

I don't Geek out very often, but when I do, it's to vintage Star Wars gear. 
9. Star Wars Millennium Falcon model.  The year was 1984.  Technically the Star Wars franchise was done, but due to the huge marketability of the movies, the toys sold until the mid-80s (obviously coming back in the 90s as well). I was five and really wanted this model.  My brother and I would've destroyed so many Death Stars/Sith Lords that the future would be forever safe, had we owned this glorious toy. Mom and Dad believed in something called a budget...but look at that 1979 price! You can't even get a cab ride for under $25 today. Stupid inflation.  

Just brought me back to homecoming
8. CK One Cologne. I'm not sure if it was cologne or perfume, as they seemed to market this smell to everybody--and in 1995 I was an everybody. It was my sophomore year, and had just realized that girls don't like body odor on guys. Deodorant was a good start, but the key to being "Rico Suave", I thought, was to douse myself in Meier & Frank's (Macy's) tester bottles right before school. Unfortunately, cologne is as expensive as Tiger's blood, so nobody ever bought me any during its prime years. Oddly, I still have part of a bottle of both this and Drakkar Noir in my medicine cabinet now (I don't remember how I obtained either). I can't wait for my 20 year school reunion to finish the bottles off.  There's more to being a Latin lover...(that's the only lyrics of Rico Suave that are  

Only thing missing is the pad for the handle bar and frame.  Sweet! 
7. Diamondback or Haro BMX bike.  Once upon a time, I was going to be a BMX star. I perfected standing up. I built ramps. I carved trials into the woods with dirt jumps. Then I tried the jumps. And gravity won every time. I smacked my face on the handlebars, broke teeth, got my shoelaces caught in the gears and flipped off sideways. Pain. Lots of pain. I retired from BMXing at age 9. I don't have any trophies, but I have the scars, and a broken Huffy bike frame to show for it.  

If kids got confused about gender based on the Ken doll lump,
how much did Little People confuse them? 

6. 1980 Fisher-Price Little People Tudor House. Back before everything was molded to make us hate our body images, we had Little People. These wood-like toys forced us to use our imaginations. I was only one year old when this set came out, but knowing my discerning taste for quality toys, I'm sure I wanted this. (I do remember playing with this set well into my early teens when given "nursery duty" at church events). Ah, who am I kidding, I'd still play with this set. Who doesn't love Tudor homes?  

5. Playskool My Buddy Doll. 1986 was a landmark year for me.  I was six and original sin started creeping in. I  actually didn't want the My Buddy Doll. I wanted to destroy it. I wanted to tie M-80s onto his stupid red ball-cap and blow it off. I hated the commercials. I wanted to use the Power-Wheels Jeep and run over Buddy. Buddy was the original Barney Dinosaur. The pre-school toy that grade schooler hated. Thankfully, nobody ever let me torture or deface My Buddy, or his creepy sibling Kid Sister, because my life might have taken a slightly more felonious route than it already has.  

2.5 water containers and a shoulder strap?
How many Green Berets did this toy create?
4. Super Soaker 200. 1990 was all about ugly fluorescent colors, loud hair, and stupid clothes like hammer pants and button-up V-neck sweaters.  And while many kids wanted Vanilla Ice's breakthrough album, I wanted to drench my friends in colored dye water. My parents were impervious to my needs, and bought me those dollar store see-through water guns which drip at the trigger constantly, instead. I lost EVERY water gun fight in the 1990s. But I did get to know many friend's moms very well as I stood at their kitchen sink and refilled my 2 ounce guns every couple minutes.  

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3. Sega Genesis Mortal Kombat. In 1993, my brother was a high school senior, and had played the arcade version of this game and tried to convince my parents it was harmless. My parents were never on top of the video game scene, and rarely checked on us while we were "gaming," but knew there was something sinister about this game. Instead, they bought us a few of those boring bargain-bin games which we convinced them we already owned (parents never know this stuff), and exchanged them at Target for the original Mortal Kombat game (my parents didn't check).  Because all our friends had the family friendly Nintendo version, we became quite popular with our Sega version that contained all the blood and "fatalities" of the arcade. Needless to say, we frequently flipped the television to antenna mode as our parents neared our room.  

Looks harmless.
Which leads me to #2... 

2. The Kama Sutra. From 1992-2007, and for educational purposes only. I have a history degree and like to learn about other cultures. Nobody buys my argument.  

It actually looks more comfortable than my current bed. 
1. USS Flagg GIjoe Aircraft Carrier. I've blogged about this before, which pretty much solidifies that I have a deep psychological scar because of this product. In 1987, this model had already been out for two years...and for two years I had lusted over it. It retailed for $109.99 then, which accounting for inflation is about as much as a Nissan Versa today. But it was worth it. 7'6" long (they modeled it after the Manute Bol of the Washington Bullets) and with a working public address intercom, missile launchers, and hundreds of moveable pieces, it was every boys second most common dream.  It wouldn't fit in my room then or now, but I would gladly trade my bed for this model; as it is large enough to sleep on. I like a firm bed anyway, and the various protruding parts would be like acupuncture points. I used to just go to Toys R Us and stare at the box. I applied for every "shopping spree" but never won. They always gave those shopping sprees to kids who liked stupid cheap toys like Troll dolls, slap bracelets, and Micro Machines. Totally rigged. I would've made the best admiral the fake Navy had ever seen, and Cobra would've been decimated.  

Regardless, these are just materialistic dreams that never materialized (with exception of MK and CK One). And, like the Rolling Stones taught us, you can't always get what you want.  What were items you once wanted (but never got)?  

I would've loved to play a game with
Muggsy and Manute.  

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