Looking for Love in All The Agnostic Places.

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls...
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire...

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for 
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...



Bloggers quoting U2 lyrics is as trite as teachers with Ghandi posters. We've seen it, heard it all before, so why go quoting again?

Well, you see, it's like this: I'm nearing middle age, and I struggle with the idea of what I really want out of this life on an almost daily basis. Maybe it's the Gypsy mentality (Generation Y Protagonist & Special Yuppies), that made me believe that I was special. I thought, like fifty million other youths, that my special talents and skill sets would separate me from the masses, and at some point I would have a  Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor named after me.

MMM...funny, B&J said they couldn't sell my line?  

Instead I ate all the ice cream.

But the extra forty pounds is not the only reason I'm not who I thought I would be. Like Bono's lyrics, I thought, well, if I just need to do one more thing, date one more girl, beat one more foe, then I'll be happy. Maybe make a bucket list and knock out ten outrageous acts each year and then I'll be something, someone.  Still, despite winning trophies, or out-purchasing the Jones's, or reading Fifty Shades of Grey (kidding, it's still on my list), some massive internal black hole just sucked in all my accomplishments and made me feel just as hollow as before.

Like many Millennials (or Gen. Y-ers), I have been running hard my whole life. I keep trying to woo some job boss of the future with my amazing attributes, random factual knowledge, and well-rounded personality.

Guess what? No boss has ever given a crap about me.

And no matter how much more awesome my wife is compared to Renée Zellweger in Jerry MaGuire, she still doesn't "complete me."  Nothing can complete this nothingness in my life.

Because I've always known what is missing.

God.  {WARNING: the rest of this blog is a very personal revelation about MY FAITH}

God and I have had an on-again, off-again relationship since I was 14. It's 90% my fault. As it is not advantageous for a rational, funny, intelligent, intellectual and creative person to acknowledge a Higher Power in his or her life. Our peers tend to frown on us believing in something so superstitious and antiquated as a Creator. Critics: "Oh cute, little Chris thinks there is a god...oh to be so naïve..."

But you know what?  I don't care anymore.  I don't care about what you, or my bosses, or my friends think about my faith anymore, because I'm finally ready to acknowledge something:

I'm never happy without God in my life.

Just because I love Mr. Larson. Sometimes I
think I have a little "jerk" in me.    

I went to church on Sunday for the first time in many months (Why I can't commit to a church, who knows). I don't believe that God is confined to a church on Sundays between the hours of 10 - 11:30.  However, there is something fulfilling about being with a group of believers when God enters the room.  (I'm not speaking literally. . . anyone who has sensed the Holy Spirit would know. To anyone who doesn't know, just chalk it up to "crazy talk".)

When the repetitious worship music is flowing; the voices, young, old, beautiful and off-tune reach a climax, and you raise your hands in submission to a different dimensional Power; submitting, no,  releasing control of myself to His will--it is so freeing. I need to be in control. I'm the driver-- always...and yet, when the spirit is moving, I take a backseat to what He is doing and it is always what I didn't know I needed.

I'm not sure why I'm trying to explain how spirituality works for ME. Spirituality is like sexuality, in that it is incredibly personal and intimate, and I don't really like talking about either. However, as a married man, when either are lacking in my life, it really affects my disposition (hence, my last mean- spirited blog).

All I know is when I become a cranky-pot, nothing fulfills my soul, nothing makes me whole again, nothing makes me truly feel loved and blessed, like feeling the presence of my Lord. And when I feel like I haven't found what I'm looking for, I have to remember that He's right there, and I'm probably ignoring Him.

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And if you read my blog, but don't share my faith, I'm sorry for these last 500 words. Actually, I'm not. This is who I am. Faith is part of what makes me, me; and I don't get to say it very often.

Only because of the one who made me.