Top Ten Grinchy Things to Do this Holiday Season.

I'm not even going to beat around the mistletoe with an intro; you want the most bang for your grouchy buck, here's my {sarcastic} advice.

Payless Shoes: For when you really
don't care about how your feet will
feel tomorrow.  
10. Give everyone on your list blank gift cards: Because nobody actually "needs" a gift card. This is the cop out gift/gift request anyway. The only sad part is, you won't be there to see their face when they get to the register and the cashier says, "Um, sorry, but this gift card was never activated."  Other fun variations:  load odd numbers like $2.54 (so it looks like change left over from a no-receipt return transaction), or give gift cards from random 
"unexciting" stores like The Dollar Tree, Hallmark, St. Vincent DePaul, or Macy's (yeah, I said it).

9. Burn an effigy of the Chipmunks in your front yard:  Nobody has the guts to say it, but the Chipmunks is/was a stupid cartoon, and Alvin is a horrible character. Even if you have the intestinal fortitude to enjoy the cartoons/live action movies, you have to admit that their Christmas tunes are musical cancer...the 1958 song was a pop-culture idiocy-fest comparable to What the Fox Says, that still gets radio airplay.  


8. Send out this card:




7.  Demand stores price-match other Door-Busters on Black Friday: Most retail store employees are well-rested, well-paid, well-trained, and have tons of free-time the day after Thanksgiving, and they'd love nothing more to do than follow seldom used store policies like price-matching. My favorite part is that the item has to be in stock at the competitor's store, so a phone call during the busiest shopping day of the year might take 15 or minutes.  Don't worry, the people in line behind you will be considerate and patient (as it IS a store policy).


6.  Send out personalized Santa rejection letters to kids to prepare them for future college rejections:



5.  When people invite you to their "Ugly Christmas Sweater Party," bring these sweater models with you to make everyone else feel inadequate and self-conscious.


4.  Start wearing an eye patch.  When the inevitable movie quoting fanboy spouts the famous line from A Christmas Story: "You'll shoot your eye out."  You can look them in the eye and say, "I already did, thank you very much. I'd prefer to not talk about it."

3.  Instead of gifts, share the holiday card gift of political apathy: 



2. When people wish you a Happy Holidays, go on a tirade:  "What am I, some kind of heathen! You Marxists are all the same with your Godless holidays!  Why don't we just elect Stalin and purge all the people of faith! 

1.  Boycott the Mall Santa with this sign: 







Just missing the cut: Buy an 1880's Charles Dickens outfit. Then find all the local Christmas carolers in your neighborhood and randomly join in their group singing loud, off-key, and completely random/ gibberish lyrics.  I prefer to sing the highly optimistic Lennon classic: Happy Christmas (War is Over), repeatedly, regardless of whatever song the group is singing. Everyone loves the Beatles.  












11 comments:

  1. That list is so messed up that I love it

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    1. Coming from the master of inappropriateness, I'm taking that as a complement.

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  2. You have a gift for captions, truly. I actually lol'd at the Payless one.
    And what's this about the Chipmunks??? Clearly, you haven't seen the 1987 Chipmunk Adventure. It directed the course of my entire life, as it inspired my desire to race around the world in a hot air balloon for diamond smugglers, while at the same time producing such classic songs as "The Girls and Boys of Rock and Roll," to which I still remember all the words.

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    1. Maybe I went too far with the Chipmunks hate, but I stand by my position: Alvin is a terrible character. I do remember that movie (or multiepisode?).

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  3. That was really grinchy... but funny

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    1. I can play the role of grinch real easy, but don't tell anyone I actually like Christmas.

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  4. The one that didn't make the cut, you actually DID....when you donned a top hat and vest and crashed our Christmas Caroling group at the hospital last year. uh....thanks.

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    1. I only sang Lennon a few times that night.

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  5. I loved the list. Just PLEASE, don't come to my cash register to do number 7. Oh wait... my store doesn't have that policy.

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  6. The caroling part reminds me of the end of the Grinch movie when the Grinch is trying to sing with the Whos and is just butchering the song.

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  7. Oh my gosh! I want to do all of these! Haha!

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