You see, I was driving home from work yesterday and flipping through the six bland radio stations we have here in Eugene, OR. and settled on the "adult contemporary" station. They were playing a song that 18-year-old me would've called, "gay," and yet here I was, now, twice the age, and singing harmony to Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeren's duet called, "Everything Has Changed."
The song is so sweet.
SWEET? What the heck happened to me! I PLAY ELECTRIC GUITAR! I OWN TOOL CDS! This song is so sappy and melancholic and wussy...how...how can I like this sound?
I don't know what happened to me. Maybe it's because there's nothing more empowering than singing out loud with my two little daughters in the car. Maybe If I had boys we could still appreciate a drum solo by Neil Peart (Rush), or a guitar solo by Steve Vai. I guess I never truly rocked out as an adolescent in the 1990s. I never liked Pantera or Megadeth (but I do still like Metallica). Maybe I was never hardcore ROCK, yet I never imagined a day when POP RADIO would be the most appealing choice on my morning commute.
Let me tell you a few things the teenage version of myself would've said about Pop Radio if I had had a better vocabulary: It's manufactured corn syrup phoniness. It's 200 studio magicians and label executives pushing knobs and pulling dials to make ditzy attractive women sound sultry and soulful. It's canned deception used to manipulate our materialistic and base needs. It's the McDonald's of musical nutrition. Pop music is sinful deceit. It is the antithesis of masculinity.I also went to a redneck high school where the idea of being "gay," was one of the few unforgivable sins. We proved our manhood via any number of manly things: how low our car engines roared, how hard we threw a dodgeball at each other, how much we could bench-press, how crappy we could make the outcast kid feel (whether strange, different, ugly, poor, weak, gay, etc.)
And I don't care anymore. I'm not that person anymore. I don't care how wussy or un-masculine or "gay" something is anymore. I like what I like, and it has nothing to do with any unwritten Man Code. And I'm trying to not care what anyone else is into anymore, either. Why are men so prone to label and categorize others? What good has all this social grooming done for the American man?
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| "...And stay down until I've molded you into an angry version of myself!" |
I'm 34, and maybe I shouldn't use the word "gay" anymore. As teachers we tell students to use "another" word. But it isn't helping. Kids still use the word (along with hundreds of other offensive words). Words (and especially hurtful words) aren't going away anytime soon. Actions used to speak louder than words, but now words speak louder than actions. Say or tweet something "offensive" and you are no longer likable or employable (regardless of your actual work). Someone could take this blog the wrong way, and get me in trouble as well...
Which is why I should probably be more specific: To all the people out there who fit into the classification of "gay," I'm sorry. I'm sorry this word has been used by callow men who feel the need to bully other men into acting more machismo. I'm sorry that being too artistic, or sensitive, or rhythmic, or musical, or intellectual, or inquisitive, or stylish, or kitschy, or outside-the-box, or feminine, or athletic (for women), or uncoordinated (for men), or flamboyant, or the hundreds of other "non-masculine" traits have become synonymous with "gay." Because it's a disservice to men of all kinds: gay and straight. I also apologize to the homosexual boy who came out my senior year of high school and nobody knew how to handle it, so we mocked/ignored/scoffed at you. I'm sorry we weren't mature or manly or self-assured enough to be around you (even though many of us were friends with you before you "came out."). I'm sorry that I, like millions of men before me, are products of stupid bullying and conditioning that teaches us that manliness is brutishness and violence (and not acceptance and loving).
Because I don't buy it anymore. I can watch SportCenter four times in a day and watch (and sing) Frozen musical songs with my family; I can sharpen my samurai sword and hone my knowledge of the Psalms; I can dream about being on (and driving the cars) on Top Gear and attempt to learn/play sheet music version of J.S Bach: Air. I will like and accept myself (and others) as I am--not the way the "masculine" men dictate it should be.
Chris, this is funny and true. I stopped listening to the radio in the '90s because I couldn't stand the same sound over and over. KRVM has variety, but even in the variety there, they all sound the same in their hour. Still, looking for variety can cause depression; case in point, the movie Her. See my review on my page. --Janet
ReplyDeleteI couldn't see your review...what page, your Facebook? Although I agree, Her looks very uh, disconcerting.
DeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it. I don't even have a little girl (yet) but I stopped caring about what's "gay" and what's not. Same concept but for me there was "cool" and not cool. I always wanted to be cool. Now I'm perfectly content having not watched the BCS title game just because I didn't want to.
So it's going to be a girl, huh? Get ready for princess time. At least mine will watch "Star Wars" with me every once in a while because "Dad likes it."
DeleteChris, this is just another reason why I respect you. You're man enough to be a decent person and put yourself out there (to use a phrase I hate. Sorry). The older I get, the less tolerant I am of masculine posturing. I feel sorry for men who have been so conditioned this way they can't be themselves, but I don't have to like being around it.
ReplyDeleteSide note: the McDonald's of musical nutrition – spot on. That's how I think about pop, too, even though I've been known to dip my toe in the pop pool now and again. Sometimes you need a Big Mac.
Yeah, I rejected "pop" for years. So what if it's manufactured; at least it isn't depressing, right?
DeleteOh, thanks for the complements. I kind of hope they put on my gravestone: Here lies a decent person (and then some other personal garbage)...I'm serious. I think I want that on my gravestone.
Thank you. I run a queer blog that focuses on how gay men hate themselves because they are insecure about their masculinity in the world. I find it so interesting that we can all, straight and gay, be so insecure about something none of us can actually define. Ask anyone to define masculinity and usually all they can say is: muscles and not-feminine. LOL. Thanks for this piece. www.endracismandhomophobia.tumblr.com
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by.
DeleteIt's sad that there are still so many people, unlike you, who don't grow out of society's molding and think for themselves. I am hopeful that times are a changing, and that maybe the next generation won't use "gay" as a negative adjective. I grew up in a fairly progressive household, but my own mother even questioned my brother's sexuality...all because he was comfortable enough with himself to not fit the "masculine norms" and that his best friend was gay. I get the feeling, that when our kids have kids, the masculine conditioning will have dropped significantly. (Or maybe that's just because I live in LA...maybe it's a different story elsewhere in the country.) However, I remain hopeful. And that said, keep on singing that Taylor Swift loud and proud! Sometimes pop is just too catchy to not sing.
ReplyDeleteYes. I do believe in gender roles, to an extent, as a male doula or female MMA fighter still give me some apprehension, but why normal things like the arts and performances being thought of as gay activities, is beyond me. I blame Latin word roots, were a noun had to be either male or female related.
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