Making Criticizing Slogans for Every Major American Retailer.

Do you ever walk through you house and look around and say, "Why the h do I own all this crap?"

Me at home.  Oh, wait that's not me...is it?  

I have a Pepsi bottle from the 1980s sitting on my shelf, like it's a collectors item.  It's worth approx. the .05¢ recycling deposit. Why? Why do I keep this stuff?  

Because I like stuff. And then, sometime later, I hate that stuff; and I'm too lazy to sell the stuff when it still has value, so I give that stuff to charity. But sometimes I get depressed by the stuff that I have, that I go and buy other stuff to offset the non-newness of the stuff I have, which starts a whole new circle of stuff that the house begins to get stuffy, so I need to go outside, only I don't have stuff outside, so I buy outside stuff that eventually gets swallowed by nature.

I recognize the "first world problem" of this issue. But that's not the point of this article. The point is: I'm an excellent shopper. Dad let's me go shopping down the driveway on Sundays.  (Stay focused Rainman).  

Oh snap. You just served Sears. That one box
is totally out of place! Next step, bankruptcy!

I can buy the crap outta stuff. Which makes me a retail guru.

Recently some Wall Street tycoons and business bloggers started posting Twitter images of declining brick and mortar stores (Like Sears and JCPenney), hoping to start a sell-off of these floundering stores. As if encouraging bankruptcy, thousands of laid-off employes, and huge empty buildings, is what this economy needs. Thanks greedy analysts.  

Because I'm not an investor or analyst, and simply a super-consumer, let me give you the negative images I think when I walk through these stores in slogan form.  In alphabetical order.  

Abercrombie & Fitch; Aéropostale; and American Eagle Outfitters: "You know those Dove commercials about honoring 'real beauty'? Yeah, that's dumb. Beauty is skin deep and our super thin and horribly stitched clothes will easy rip off, exposing the real you. We do the unconscionable at unreasonable prices."  

Amazon.com: "Shutting down your favorite retail stores since 1999."  

Apple Store: "We are the Ethan Allen of technology. Where lasting design supersedes functionality, and cost is irrelevant. Also, we hate Samsung." 

Barnes and Noble: "Can you believe we lasted longer than Borders? We also charge more in-store than online, because frustration is the key to good customer service. Need that hard-to-find book or dvd? We have it--and we can operate our store for three days off that one, extortionist sale."  

Maybe they should just sell liquor in the company store?  

Bed, Bath, and Beyond: "Ahh...look at all the lonely people...who think that thread count matters." 

Best Buy: "Taking the joy out of electronics shopping since 1999."  

Big Lots: "Other stores couldn't sell our cruddy merchandise, so we put orange and an exclamation point in our logo to drive home the suck factor!"    

Costco: "Where some of the best business practices, bulk sizes, and savings meet the biggest A-hole customers in the world."  

CVS; RiteAid; Walgreens: "Making so much money on pharmaceuticals, that we could fill a whole department store with unnecessary knock-off junk."  

I remember the good ole' days selling exercise equipment
at Sears. Then we had four CEOs in 8 years; each was dumber
and more inept than the previous.  

Dick's Sporting Goods; Sports Authority: "Your specific sporting equipment, gear, or clothing is never on sale; yet absolutely everything else in the store is."  

Dollar Store/Tree/Family: "The beauty of foreign exploitation for a dollar."  

Gap; Old Navy; and Banana Republic: "You'll like it on the rack, and hate it after one wash."  

IKEA: "Don't be flärdfull (vain), buy our structurally unsound designer spånskivor (particle board) möbler (furniture)."

J.C.Penney: "When moronic corporate management tries to re-dress a good model. A model that proudly wears mom-jeans."  

Kohl's: "The h represents helpfulness, and it's silent." 

Kmart: "Embrace the suck."   

Kroger/Fred Meyer: "Find something to complain about, we dare you." (Can't speak for Kroger, as Fred Meyer is their one-stop-shopping variation in the West) 

Lowe's/The Home Depot: "Wrecking perfectly lazy weekends for everybody since the mid-1980s."  

Macy's: "Pretension comes at a cost, and a sneer from an abnormally cosmetically enhanced employee. Sometimes we are too good for your money." 

Michaels: "Sending you 50% off coupons that aren't applicable to a single item in the store, every week."  

Nordstroms: "Desperately trying to be snootier and more expensive than Macy's, and winning."  

Office Depot/Max/Staples: "You'll never quite understand why one faux leather swivel chair costs more than another, or why some fancy pens cost hundreds of dollars...and our employees won't be able to tell you either."  

PetSmart: "You have to really, really, love your pet to step foot in our establishment."  

RadioShack: "Remember the 1970s? We do. They were glorious."   

Ross: "We find the most effective way to display our products is to throw them on the ground in the aisles." 

"Do you have this Craftsman lawn tractor in stock?"
"Uh...no, but I have a ladder in stock!"  

Sears: "Selling really neat products that are never in stock, and mismanaging quality employees since the 1980s, all while being stupidly attached to malls. But boy, if you could've seen us in the 1960s, it was beautiful."

Shopko: "Did the rapture happen? No...oh, I could've sworn." (credit Janet W.) 

Target: "Hoping you will continue to criticize Walmart for being the exact same thing we are. Low quality, low-wage paying, unhelpful, and lacking selection. But at least you get through our check out lines quick!" 

Toys "R" Us: "Remember when you were a kid and you cried and screamed and wanted toys your parents couldn't afford? Now you have kids and this is payback karma. May the screams of a thousand unsatisfied kids fill your guilty conscious, and fill our coffers with money." 

Walmart: "Criticize us? Ha ha. We taught Vladimir Putin everything he knows. You don't like the way we do business? We buy your business. Don't like our wages, we convince government welfare money to subsidize. You don't like our illegal practices, we rewrite laws. As long as we have something you want, we have all the leverage, and we care nothing about perception or image. Power doesn't only corrupt, it shuts everyone else up."  

Even after all that criticism, I still dream of a day when online shopping and the brick-and-mortar retail store can co-exist, because I want my merchandise when I want it, the way I want it, for the price I want it. Because I'm getting depressed with all the stuff I currently have.