Get Fatter and Funnier for 2013!

Not only does this guy
exemplify the princely
ideal, he is also one cool
cat.  Britannia be proud

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but one of my lifelong goals is to improve my character to the point that I will be on par with Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Neville Longbottom.  Being the honest self-analyzer that I am, I am no where near their platform of unadulterated goodness.  I think I would put myself somewhere between Prince Charles and Katniss Everdeen, beings that I'm kind of a good person, with a lot of grey areas surrounding me.  A 6 on a scale of 10 in goodness; at least I haven't had to shoot anyone with an arrow for sport, or have an affair with Camilla; yet.

Many philosophers, like Aristotle, Plato, and Karl Marx have debated what makes up good moral character, and most agree that integrity, courage, fortitude, honesty, loyalty, and good behavior (or lack of bad habits) are the basics to good people. Those are good starting points.  But I too, took a philosophy course in community college, which makes me a sort of expert, so I will add my 2 cents as to the path of greatness.

My current theory?  Get funnier.

Humor, laughing, being funny, are all important traits to humans.  It consistently is the the top trait desired for future relationships. Some people think if they aren't funny they can't become funny. Hogwash.  My solution?  Get fatter.  Yes, contrary to every other New Years resolutions out there right now, one common attribute of funny people is their overabundance of weight, so start packing on the pounds.  Why?  I think because fat people don't take themselves too seriously.  Fat people can't.  We are always the butt of your insults, so eventually we take it upon ourselves to become self-depricating, and/or creatively invent ways to avoid your mockery and/or fist punches.  In essence, we develop the ability to outwit you or beat you to the punch.

Keith Stone:  What frat boys and
cool kids look like at age 30.  

Skinny people aren't as funny because of their vanity. It's hard to be funny when wearing uncomfortable size 28" (or size 1 for women) designer jeans. Skinny people do sometimes think of funny things to say, but are too concerned about not getting laughs to say them out loud. What if they look my way, and say, hmmm...normally Steve doesn't say anything and just looks pretty on the wall...but now he said something dumb...verdict? Steve is a dumb blond.   Other pretty people think of funny things to say, but are replaced by more urgent needs like flipping their hair or adjusting their socks.

Gwyneth Paltrow felt humiliated and like
no man looked at her with physical desire
when she wore a fat suit for Shallow Hal.
Wow...shocking news to fat people every-
where.  

But fat people don't think this way. Nobody looks our way.  Not if they don't have to.  So we force them to look our way. Our bodies might be bigger, but so are our brains.  That creativity forged from the Mordor of your middle school mockery, now gives us a weapon of great power.  The ability to not be invisible.  So we say things that are inappropriate in middle school, that earn us detentions.  The cool kids look around, and wait for somebody to say that thing that nobody has the guts to say, but the fat kid will say it.  Like when the teacher bends over and reveals his bad taste in undergarments, "Mr. Genowalk wears women's panties!" The street cred is worth every bit of that saturday school.  

Of course, this developing humor doesn't get fat kids invited to parties.  The cool kids look around and say, "You know, Chris, the chunky kid in fourth period, isn't so bad. His Gotcha shirts and Quicksilver shorts are from two years ago, so we can't include him in our group, but lets not socially alienate him anymore."  These type conversations somehow happen telepathically and unconsciously in the minds of cool kids, and are never really verbalized.  But it happens...at every school.

By late high school, the funny fat kid is suddenly involved in everything. His jokes, despite their impolite punchlines, now have the teacher snickering.  He gets dates that make skinny vain-people befuddled. "How did Piggy get a date with Karissa?  She's totally out of his league?"

Well news flash, cool kids:  Piggy is actually fun to be around (provided you haven't dropped a rock on his head yet).  He makes people feel good, always has something to say, and knows how to listen.  He isn't so concerned with his appearance that he just stands around at dances...he actually dances and  LIVES.  So while you were paying nerds to write your essays, and mindlessly staring at the wall during class debates, and spending your weekends and your spending money trying on the newest clothing at American Eagle Outfitters... Fatty actually learned some stuff and can afford a girlfriend.

Will Farrell isn't necessarily fat, just out of shape.  With a
cool skin fold from a surgery for Pyloric Stenosis.  

By college, the funny fat kid is legendary.  He is John Belushi in Animal House.  Will Farrell in Old School.  He has perfected the method of making uncomfortable situations comfortable.  Whether it is by spitting out food simulating a zit, or going streaking by himself, he no longer cares what others think about him, and that is the ultimate victory of humor.

Self esteem.  While everyone is desperately seeking it by spending on accessories to help beautify, and plucking stray hairs, and puking unneeded calories, and putting down others because of undiagnosed mental disorders, fat people are enjoying life without the need for your approval.

Somehow, from all the mockery or self reflection in detention rooms or information learned from textbooks, the fat kid has learned that he is okay, a cool customer. And being happy with who you are, despite your short comings (or largesse), is a huge step towards developing character.

Fat, bald, and glasses?
The tri-fecta of funny =
Comedian Brain Posehn

Now some of you out there are saying, "but I'm not willing to face the health consequences of adding fifty pounds and experiencing newfound social ostracizing for the next ten years." And that's understandable.  Well, other things are funny. Like baldness. And neuroticism. And insanity. Just pick your poison.

Additionally,  if I find a way to ever lose these extra forty pounds, I will be skinny and have the character learned from a lifetime of fatness, which will catapult me towards my aforementioned skinny heros like Honest Abe. Whose laughing now, cool kids?