Doc, Tell Me the Truth, Why do You Hate Me?

Arabic Indian doctor dentist primitive medieval methods chiseling a tooth out bad outdated
Metaphorically, this looks about right.  
My doctor and I have an interesting relationship.  As in, he loathes me.  Every couple of months I reschedule for another half hour of verbal abuse from his delightful Indo-American accent, and yet I feel a strange sense of loyalty to the man.  Perhaps this is that weird psychological disorder that battered women feel--deep down, I think, he really loves me.  Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome.

"Chris, you are perhaps, my worst patient," he said last time, after realizing I had gained two pounds over the holidays.

"Really?"  I asked incredulously. "I'm your only patient who added some holiday cheer around the mid-section?"

"Not just that, Chris, you don't respect my time. I give you a medication and you don't take it, you are a waste of my time.  Why should I still treat you if you don't follow my advice?"

"I took all the medication except one!"  "It was $75.00 for a month of pills?"  I defended my decision to not fill the prescription based on the fact that it wasn't a life threatening issue, and because I hadn't had a problem related to that malady in at least three years.

Lethologica searching for the right word not able to remember "Not life threatening?  How do you know it isn't {long Latin word here}? Why did you stop taking the other medicine I gave you?"

I suddenly was trying to memorize the Latin word he said to go home and look up on WebMD.  "Oh, well, it made me really light headed, I almost fainted a few times.  Then my heart would race really fast.  I looked it up online, and there were all kinds of complaints, so..."

"Chris, do you have a medical degree?" "No, well I do, and let me tell you that the internet is full of quacks and people who will die of easily curable diseases and maladies."  "I have another patient who is your age who refuses to take my advice and he had a stroke.  I don't like visiting patients in the ER who have strokes because they refuse to take medication. If you have a problem with a medicine, come to the office and we will change it. Because if you want to refuse my help, and have a stroke, that's fine, but I don't want to have the obligation to visit you in the hospital."

It's funny. This man has the power to say almost anything he wants to me, because he's ultimately trying to "save my life."  And I can respect that.  Not many people are basically honest, let alone brutally honest, anymore.

"Is he this honest with his staff? I asked the medical transcriptionist who is always frantically typing information into a computer during my "visits."

"Yes, you always know where you stand with Dr. ___________."  She said flatly, with a little pent-up hostility.

"I'm sure." I replied with a funny laugh.  "Although, it's probably nicer than never knowing what your boss thinks of you, like most of us feel..."

Good-bye Testicles tonsils by Anne Welsh Guy children's fake book
Another idea I had to scrap because
somebody else beat me to it. 
I honestly wish my doctor had editorial skills, because it would be nice to have an honest opinion on whether or not I should still be seeking publishing.  "Hey, Doc, what do you think of my novel, do you think I should continue to pursue this path?"

"Chris, you overuse commas, your symbolism is obvious, your dialogue forced, characters unbelievable, and your prose looks like it was translated from Turkish by a first year Japanese student.  I wouldn't publish this unless you replaced every word with a different and better word, and then put someone else's more attractive name on the cover.  The only thing I liked was the ending, and that's because it was finally over.  I realize that this Word document is probably only like a megabyte on your computer, but I think it is one megabyte that your hard drive could desperately use for more important files, like spam email, a few viruses, or three .gif files of guys getting hit in the crotch with baseballs."

Surely, I jest. I don't really want to hear that. But some actual honesty, good or bad, would be nice; and I'm not sure anyone, besides my doctor, still diagnoses honest reality anymore.


18 comments:

  1. ha ha ha laugh of the day! Good stuff, Chris, working full-time has not hampered it. And your mom likes your blogs and books, what more validation do you need than that? ;-)

    Funny, I was going to write a blog about something very similar, starting with a line from a Billy Joel song "...Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue.." We spent many of our earlier lives living with other people, and friction was unavoidable. Honesty with one another and working things out were paramount. We forged lifelong friendships out of that crunch. I do think our culture has become so touchy and easily offended that honest words and healthy feedback are becoming obsolete.

    So take your medicine, Chris. : )

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    1. I don't like my medicine. Can you add some grape to it mommy?
      Thanks for liking my stuff mom, at least you send me editing issues.

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  2. Love your writing style as always Christ. hehe. Does he know about the L-arginine/L-citrulline mix? Much cheaper than his medication and no side fx! NOBODY has a stroke on that stuff unless they're already near dead because it continually sets the cells into motion of repairing their walls and you get better absorption, stiff arteries get pliable again etc. It's phenomenal. goargi.com on the video tab to watch the high desert heart institute founder discussing it's impact and noting that if you were to have even nitroglycerin prescribed you could take this in place of it without side fx for same remedy.

    You might show that to your doctor. Of course..he won't get free golf clubs for prescribing it.... but it's only 37 a month or like that at maintenance level. Been taking it 2.5 years. Longest stretch in my life with no real illness. Minor cough the past week for a few moments here and there is the worst thing I recall. Never in my life did I go three years without catching the flu. Not even 2 years.

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    1. Bob, I'll check it out. I did give my doctor a hard time about prescribing medicine that gives him "kick-backs". I think this started him on the path of verbally destroying my confidence. Guess it's a cheap shot to ask about money for Rxs.

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  3. I already have a love/hate relationship with your doctor.

    My main gripe living in Germany is that I love to ask questions, and at least in this region of the country, professionals aren't big on explaining stuff. Whether it's my vet, my dentist, my stylist or my regular doc, I need to know why - everything. So I enjoy someone who knows what they're talking about based on education and experience...just don't be mean about it.

    Side note: Love your writing. I would always give you honest feedback :) because I know its value when it comes to writing.

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    1. I didn't know you were living in Germany. Wow, cool, too bad they aren't very open with information. Germans are kind of known for being closed books, so maybe the stereotype is true?

      Thanks for liking my writing. Right back at you.

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  4. I'm not sure I could handle this kind of Doctor. Sure, I want honest conversation with my Doc, but I could probably do without the verbal assault.

    For what it's worth, if I had any editorial skills at all I would offer to read what you wrote and give you feedback. You've seen how I write so you know I'm no help.

    I think of what we do here on the web in the same category as art. What's good? I think it's a matter of taste. Find a publisher with the right palate and you'll be set.

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    1. I agree about the art thing. What works for me doesn't always work for someone else. Getting my writing out there to editors/agents who like my art is finding to be a difficult task. I think I need a bigger studio.

      And Mike, your writing is great. Don't play that card with me. (unless you were wanting a complement, than so be it).

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  5. Ha! This was hilarious! I wish I had your doctor. I always feel like I'm prying information from mine, then convincing him that I'm actually sick and not a hypochondriac.
    And I think we could all use a little more (okay, A LOT more) honesty with our writing! Maybe it hurts in the short run, but in the long run we'll be the better for it. Right? Right???

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    1. Well, when I actually find a flaw in your writing, I'll let you know, okay?

      Sounds like everyone wants my doctor. You guys can have him. He doesn't want me, so there should be room on his client list.

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  6. This is so funny! I loved that last paragraph rant!

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    1. Thanks, I felt a sense of catharsis by writing it.

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  7. This was so funny...especially the wish for "honest editorial input" paragraph. I can just picture the conversation with your doctor - accent and all. Good writing.

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    1. Thanks Julie. You probably hear all kinds of broken English over in Indonesia, although I wouldn't be surprised if many over there know the English language grammatically better than I do.

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  8. I left this open and accidentally keep opening to --"good-bye, testicles"

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    1. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for getting snookered into pasting that "fake" book. Apparently the real book is titled "Good-Bye, Tonsils," but some internet jokester replaced the kid with a dog, and well, the rest is history...

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  9. So funny!! I so would have cried if I were in your shoes. It's great that he doesn't want you to die, but dang, does he have to be so brutal about it?! Honesty and brutal honesty walk a fine line, I think.

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    1. Yes, he is a little harsh, but maybe I need that. I wonder if I'm more receptive because of the cultural/ethnicity differences. If he was an old white guy, would I let him say that? IDK.

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