Making Up History Is Fun: The Truth Behind the Egyptian Pyramids

Once every decade or so, there is an archaeological discovery so profound, that it rocks the foundations of what we know as history.

Unknown ancient book with odd illustrations and unknown historical references. 
Yesterday, while clearing out some old paperbacks, I stumbled upon a book that didn't fit in with the others. No, it didn't have a rotting leather cover, or latin inscription; instead it had a pulp magazine-like cover, and a subscript that said "Choose your own adventure."

The cover was torn, and some misguided soul in the 1980s had put adhesive tape to keep it together...but the yellowing, terrible illustrations, and odd, non-linear pagination system proved the book to be from an either other-worldy, or undiscovered culture! Neither I, nor my wife, knew where this book had originated from, but it was most likely from an estate sale purchase a few years earlier. How it escaped detection then, I don't know, but eureka, what an Indiana Jones-like find!

Specifically, the finding of a book with an extra-terrestial UFO flying above the Great Pyramids of Egypt on the cover which exposes long hidden historical truths!

After the initial excitement and vomiting subsided, I carefully flipped through the pages, hoping to find some kind of evidence of when or where this manuscript could've been published. Unfortunately, the first few pages did not survive the book's long journey through time. Regardless, had there been some Roman numeral or other ancient numbering system, it probably would not be decipherable even by today's best archeologists.

"Most of the images, or glyphs we see in ancient times are simply ancient graffiti or nonsense. Ancient peoples were basically illiterate. They scribbled on rock walls and caves, like a two-year-old does on bedroom walls today. We, as historians, basically try and analyze the babblings of ancient morons with coloring crayons," said Chris Plumb, B.S. History (UO).

As Plumb quoted, any numbering system would most likely be as silly as the Easter-Island faces.

So we would have to rely on other contextual clues to date this book.

Attempts at reading the book were futile. The lettering looked like a form of ancient English, but the grammar and pagination were all over the place. The story didn't make sense. It jumped all through the page numbers...sometimes skipping ahead 20 pages, sometimes jumping back 10 pages. It was,  as far as stories go, as confusing as Terry Gilliam's Brazil.

To add to the oddity, were the terrible illustrations. On one page, it shows clear evidence that a great actor of today, John Malkovich, was the inspiration for the Sphinx.

John Malkovich (photo insert added), as the inspiration
for the Sphinx.  
"It would not surprise me that ancient people would worship somebody like John Malkovich. If somehow, they had access to today's multimedia devices and watched Con Air, or even Red 2,  they would be overwhelmed by his eerie badassery. If ancient aliens somehow brought Malkovich back in time, as some sort of non-anal probing experiment, I could see it making way for much of today's progress," Plumb elaborated.

"Furthermore, the evidence of the UFO on the cover of this ancient text proves what many have previously thought: that extra terrestrials were behind the advancements of most of Earth's mysteries. This is all the proof I need.  This is, as the title implies; is the Secret of the Pyramids."

As revealing as the cover is, it is also mysterious. A green cobra or asp also graces the cover, which implies that ancient Egypt was once jungle-like in its fauna. Most squamates today in the desert region of the middle east have taken on a dusty brown coloration, as a form of camouflage. This snake proves, what some have thought, that ancient Egypt was near the Garden of Eden.  Also present are camels, which as every biologist knows, didn't evolve from llamas until around 1350 A.D.

Oddly, though are the presence of many modern day images. The obvious predecessor to Where's Waldo is climbing up what looks like a phone poll, maybe in an attempt to avoid the ancient venom of the deadly green asp-cobra. But shockingly, it's a SHE and not Waldo, and SHE doesn't have glasses.

Martin Handford, the English children's author and illustrator behind Where's Wally (Waldo in the U.S), has some interesting inspiration for his ideas (maybe he had another copy of The Secret of the Pyramid).  The following is a direct quote from Wikipedia:
In 1986, Handford was asked by his art director at Walker Books to draw a character with peculiar features so that his pictures of crowds had a focal point. After much thinking, he came up with the idea of "Wally", a world traveller and time travel aficionado who always dresses in red and white.[3] Wally is joined on most of his travels by his friend, Wenda, who wears clothes with the same colours as Wally's,
It doesn't take a genius to deduce that Wally (Waldo) was really Wenda who was derived from an ancient alien text about the origins of the Pyramids, and has an inclination towards time travel.  Handford, clearly has some questions to answer...and not just about plagiarism, but where he got a copy of this ancient text, and why it isn't in some museum or being studied by a top university.

Ron Jeremy (Photo insert added), being his creepy self
in ancient Egypt.  
Also curious, hiding in the corner is the notorious porn icon, Ron Jeremy.  Not surprisingly, he is leering at the girl up on the poll, probably introducing some sick fetish thing to ancient Egyptians who up until that point, only had a weird thing for bald cats.

So aliens also brought pornography to Earth. Great. Thanks for that. As if the internet isn't already cluttered with lies and smut as it is. It makes facts and truthful journalism so hard to deduce from the refuse of idiocy, that so many sites are trying to profligate people's brains with.

In conclusion, this amazing discovery rewrites much of what we used to know.  The pyramids were a collaborative project with an alien race that used time travel to its advantages. The aliens brought back John Malkovich to ancient times, causing ancient people to worship his cool, cocksure demeanor.  Much of our culture today is probably a derivative of Malkovich's personality.

The book ends with an image of this creepy
man-woman, clearly a warning to future
readers of alien's might and power.  
Also, aliens introduced the idea of pornography to ancient peoples probably in an attempt to suppress them from revolting from alien rule,  and instead focusing their attention on sexual fantasies that have .02% chance of happening in real life.

Lastly, while this ancient, invaluable text has opened our eyes to much of our ancient ways, it also challenges us to many more questions as we piece together the broken language of the past, like; Why did the ancients have machine guns, and where is the archeological proof of this today. Have the Illuminati, Catholic Church, Freemasons and Ringwraiths carefully screened this version of history away from us on purpose?  Only time (and maybe time travel) will tell.


  1. Wow! All that from a Create Your Own Adventure book! WHo knew?

    1. Yep...that's all the evidence needed anymore; thanks to the internet. :)